Surrogacy has become an increasingly popular path for people to create and grow their families. Celebrities such as Jimmy Fallon & Nancy Juvonen, Neil Patrick Harris & David Burkta, Nick Jonas & Priyanka Chopra, Kanye West & Kim Kardashian West, and Dwayne Wade & Gabrielle Union have used a gestational carrier for a variety of reasons. While the portrayal of surrogacy has come a long way in the last few years, there is still a lot of room for improvement in the media regarding surrogacy. Here are some myths you may have heard about surrogates, as well as some information that I hope will help improve your understanding and perspective.
MYTH 1: Surrogates only do it for the money
We've all heard it. You know, that cliché of a trashy, irresponsible woman having babies to make quick and easy money. Luckily, that is not at all the case. Through my experience as a surrogate, I have connected with many other women who have so selflessly sacrificed their time, energy, bodies, and emotion into this difficult journey. Yes, it is a great way to financially contribute while being able to keep your current job or be a stay at home mom. However, it is not quick, and it is certainly not easy.
Any reputable surrogacy agency will have an extensive screening requirement. Common requirements are: you must have custody of and be parenting your child, pass a background, pass psychological/medical screenings, cannot be reliant upon government assistance, have valid drivers license and reliable transportation, no drug use/alcohol abuse, etc. These requirements weed out the people who may be in it for the wrong reasons.
Speaking from experience, gestational carriers pour their entire hearts into this long process. They desperately long to help those families yearning for their own child. They rejoice with the parents from the first positive pregnancy test to each ultrasound. Their heart shatters to a million pieces with them when the transfer doesn't take, or there is silence when there should have been a heartbeat. After months (sometimes even years) of doctor appointments, paperwork, blood draws, and many unexpected bumps in the road, I can promise you that while the money is helpful, the biggest motivation of a surrogate is to give another family what they have; their own children to love.
MYTH 2: The surrogate will want to keep the baby
There are a few things wrong with this one. First, most of the surrogates I know were not in a place where they wanted another child of their own at the time. They go into the process from the beginning, knowing full-well that this is not their biological child, and they will not be bringing them home. For me, the second I met with the intended parents, I could not wait to help them bring home their very own child! At no point in my journey did I feel disappointed that I would not be keeping the baby. Hands down, the BEST moment of my entire journey, was watching this sweet couple hold their child for the first time, as they cried tears of joy! The best way I could describe the relationship is it feels like being an aunt. I love my niece & nephew dearly, but I never feel upset that I can't take them from my sister!
Second, this is why agencies (the good ones anyways, hehe) require contracts. Months are spent as experienced attorneys detail every possible scenario, one of which prevents the surrogate from ever being able to keep the baby. They make sure to thoroughly protect both parties from any potentially messy scenarios.
MYTH 3: The surrogate is giving away their biological child
First off, I think it's important to differentiate these 2 terms: traditional surrogacy, and gestational surrogacy. A traditional surrogate is a woman who uses her own eggs and a sperm donor, therefore she has a genetic link to the child. A gestational carrier is a woman who has another woman's fertilized egg implanted in her womb. Though the term "surrogate" is still used, it most commonly references a gestation carrier.
Surrogacy is not a new concept. There are examples of surrogacy throughout history, even as long ago as Abraham in the Old Testament! Traditional surrogacy was a great option, but science has since come a long way. In fact, the first successful gestational surrogacy took place in 1985. Since then, gestational carriers have become an increasingly popular option, as it gives parents an opportunity to have biological children that they would otherwise never be able to carry.
Fun fact: Traditional surrogacy is now banned in all but 7 states. Gestational surrogacy is legal in all but 3 states. There are also 2 states that technically allow it, but surrogacy contracts are void and unenforceable.
As you can see, gestational carriers are most often very loving, responsible, selfless women who are eager to give someone the sacred, beautiful gift of family. I hope you were able to gain some new perspective and respect for the many women who have given so much to bring infinite joy and love to others.
Have any questions or comments? Want to share your experience? Let me know, I would love to hear from you!